Why We Take Offense

Erica Beth

Welcome....I am Erica Beth and this is My Positive Day.

Erica Beth

When we think about the moments when we feel offended, it's easy to assume the trigger is solely external—something someone said, or did, that just didn’t sit right. But the truth is, the way we react, and how deeply we feel it, comes from something much closer to home. It’s tied to how we see ourselves—our self-image, our self-esteem—and the expectations we carry into our relationships.

Erica Beth

You know, sometimes, it’s not even the big, obvious insults that sting the most. It can be almost invisible things. Like, imagine reaching out to a close friend and, uh, they don’t really respond the way you’d hoped. Maybe they ignore your text or seem distracted when you share a story that, to you, feels important. On the surface, it’s small, almost nothing... but inside, it can get under your skin.

Erica Beth

I remember a moment from a few years ago, back when I was working closely with a colleague I really admired. They made this offhand comment about what they thought of my 'laid-back' approach. And—there it was. It wasn’t cruel, but something about it just—hit me wrong. It wasn’t even the words themselves, you know? It was the fact that I valued their opinion so much. That comment made me feel like, maybe, I wasn’t meeting their expectations. It felt personal, even though it might not have been.

Erica Beth

That’s the thing about being offended—it’s often less about what was said and more about who said it. The weight of a slight grows heavier when it comes from someone we care about, or, uh, someone whose opinion shapes the way we see ourselves. Whether it’s a dear friend, a colleague, or even a family member...those close relationships wield a power that can amplify even the smallest mistake or misstep into something that feels, well, just huge.

Erica Beth

And why? Because those moments tug at our expectations—expectations of how we think others should treat us, or how much they should care or notice certain things. And when reality doesn’t line up with those quiet, unspoken hopes, it hurts. It challenges the story we tell ourselves about our worth or our role in that connection. And and, you know—those moments can spiral if we let them.

Erica Beth

Alright, let’s dive into what happens when we let offense stick around for too long. You know, in the immediate moment, feeling offended can trigger what our bodies recognize as a stress response. Our brain flips into this fight-or-flight mode, and suddenly, we’re flooded with hormones like cortisol. That’s why you might feel your chest tighten or your breathing quicken—your body thinks it's under attack. That reaction is real, even if the trigger was just words.

Erica Beth

But here’s where it gets tricky. If these moments of offense build up and aren’t addressed, they can take a toll beyond the moment itself. Research shows it’s not just emotional; your physical health can suffer too. Chronic stress—linked to persistent offense-taking—has been connected to things like high blood pressure, sleep disturbances, and even heart health. It’s like our bodies are carrying the weight of those grievances as if they’re stuck on replay.

Erica Beth

And, oh, the mental effects... Rumination is a big part of this. Picture this: you’ve had a moment that stung—a comment from a friend, an online post that felt personal. And instead of letting it slide, you think about it. And then you think about it again, over and over. You replay the words, dissect the moment, maybe even imagine all the ways you could’ve handled it better. That replay? It’s exhausting, and it pulls you deeper into the negativity. It’s like being stuck in a loop where you’re the one keeping it spinning.

Erica Beth

This loop is often fueled by cognitive biases—ways our mind tricks us into distorting reality. One that stands out is personalization, where we assume that every negative interaction is all about us. Another is catastrophizing. Have you ever had a moment where a simple oversight—let’s say, someone forgetting to invite you to a meeting—spirals into a narrative where you think, 'They don’t value my work,' 'Everyone must feel that way,' or even, 'I’m never included.' These patterns create magnified versions of small moments until they feel like unshakable truths.

Erica Beth

Let’s talk about the flip side of chronic offense—the choice to build resilience and protect our peace. Yes, I said choice because, while we can’t control the things people say or do, we do have a say in how we process them, how much space we let them take up in our hearts and minds.

Erica Beth

One of the most powerful strategies is reframing our thoughts. Imagine this: you’re at a family gathering, and someone makes a comment about the way you parent—something subtle but pointed, and it stings. It’s easy to react right away, to get defensive, or let those words fester. But instead, you pause. You take that moment to breathe, and instead of thinking, “Why would they say something like that to me?” ask yourself, “What else might this mean? Maybe they’re projecting their own experiences or fears.” This small shift, this reframe, can completely change how those words land. It puts you back in control.

Erica Beth

I’ll share a personal story. A few months ago, during one of those delightful—I say that with a smile—family disagreements at the dinner table, I felt my frustration building. My eldest daughter, as teenagers often do, made a comment that felt dismissive. My immediate reaction was to snap back, but then I caught myself. I took a deep breath, and instead of reacting, I asked her to tell me how she was feeling. That shift in focus—from defending myself to understanding her—completely diffused the tension. It reminded me that calm doesn’t mean weakness; it means strength in choosing connection over conflict.

Erica Beth

Emotional regulation is another essential piece of this puzzle. Simple practices like mindfulness—just being present with your feelings without judgment—can prevent knee-jerk reactions. I’ve found journaling to be a great tool too. Even just jotting down what upset you and why helps create distance, so those feelings don’t feel so all-encompassing. And let’s not forget boundaries. Sometimes, resilience means knowing when to disengage—from toxic conversations, people, or environments that drain rather than uplift you.